I have the BEST doctor/lawyer in the world…blah blah blah!

Do you know that there can be only one “the best” in the world?  Oh you didn’t?  I would like you to grab your favorite cup of Joe right now so I can explain the calamity that is going on with the over-use of  the phrase “the best.”

I feel very bad for anyone that is going through any illness.  I sincerely want each and every one of you to get the best care you can obtain.  It would be disheartening to find out that you had the choice of a few doctors and you chose the least competent one of the group presented.  Think about it.  There must be hundreds of thousands of doctors in the world at this very moment in time!  The truly frightening thing is that someone right now is being treated by the worst doctor in the world!

Doctor Graduating from Curacao Medical University

Doctor Graduating from Curacao Medical University

Of course there is the worst doctor in the world! Can anyone even argue that fact?  If there is going to be the best doctor, logically there must be the worst doctor!  Now this doctor might not be a fraud.  However, the fact that the doctor graduated from Curacao Medical University should not disqualify them either.  I know they might not get to catch the disease on their first…no second….I mean third try after examining you.  Don’t worry, They are certainly better than having no doctor and having your Uncle Lenny giving you his sound medical advice, notwithstanding being a full-time real estate agent.

Now that we have established the worst doctor in the world, the question is why so few people are using this person?  I got it! It’s because this doctor is the WORST and therefore the law of averages has a funny way of kicking in.

Not so fast for the best doctor in the world.  Everyone seems to be seeing this person?  Is this doctor beaming to different patients with a maximum of ‘one minute per patient’ examination time?  If I do the math, let’s see….500 million patients in the world including Mongolian and Ecuadorian nationals, divide that by 250 million coherent patients, then subtract those in comas, those who are stroke inflicted and the clinically insane that cannot determine the best from the worst, then add 9/16 ego, and multiply that whole number by the ‘square root of Jewish’ and you can see it is theoretically impossible for this magical doctor on golden wings able to see all these patients!  I am exhausted!

So why you ask are we singling out a particular group for this mathematical equation?  Thank you in advance for the question. The answer should not surprise you.  Have you recently been to Long Island or Long Island South (they recently changed that area to the name , ‘The Greater Boca Raton Metroplex’).  These areas all have people suffering from serious illnesses all the way down to minor cuts and scratches under the direct care of ‘The best doctor in the world.’  And thank god for that! Remember the doctor from Curacao? Stay with me people, please!

Now let’s get back to the real world and, just for the sake of argument, lets discount the miracle doctor with golden wings. How are all these Jewish people seeing the best doctor there is?  Who do they know to even get the number of this doctor? How does this doctor have time and why would this doctor want to deal with Sylvia Bernstein’s hemorrhoid issues, despite not being as bad as she says it is?  Doesn’t this doctor have complicated immune diseases to deal with in the world?  Isn’t this doctor finding the next cure for cancer?  What about the Ebola epidemic in Central and West Africa?  Are you going to tell me that this doctor is setting a cracked fibula at a Long Island medical center so Zachary Goodman could miss the least amount of tennis time before the summer season?  I think not!

Now this does not stop with doctors.  Oh no, my fellow curious readers. Uh uh..uh uh!   Many clients like to think they have the best lawyer in the world, and their lawyers only perpetuate this myth.  I have a wild guess.  Ready?  Can it be that they have an ego and arrogance wider than Donald Trump’s hair flap? Could it be that the testosterone coming from these male lawyers are making their penis to appear very large, thus projecting a greater sense of self importance to their clients?  Finally, are their clients so duped to think that this schlub with the fat tuchas (Yiddish for ass for people reading this in Alabama, Mississippi or living in areas in parts of Mountain Standard time), wearing a wrinkled Brioni suit with the remnants of his lunch still on his tie, think he is really the ‘best lawyer in the world.”

Do you want this lawyer?

Do you want this lawyer?

It’s funny how much we yearn to have the ‘best’ of everything.  Aren’t you just so tried of hearing this regurgitated proclamation?

I say lets speak the truth and lower our rhetorical flourishes.  It is a virtual impossibility that we have the best of anything, let alone our doctors and lawyers.

Here is a novel idea!  I would like to hear from someone that they have ‘the best humility in the world.’ Now that is something I can admire.


Categories: Satire

3 replies »

  1. Nice job Scott . People always say in those worlds LI, Florida , NYC my doctor is the best or my lawyer is the best. I always say let me hear what they did for a specific person . How do you know ? What are their actions and results . Very well written.


    • Exactly Eric. Now don’t get me wrong about lawyers. Not all lawyers are arrogant and pompous . However, most arrogant and pompous people tend to be lawyers. Most (not all) tend to give the appearance that they are indeed the best. The clients take that to heart, partly for their inner desire to feel that they are getting the best representation. However, they are rarely “the best lawyer” there is. I like lawyers that can subrogate their ego and truly tell the client the facts rather than making them feel good. BTW, you are the exception being an excellent and ethical lawyer!


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