Editor’s note: This is a painfully sad satire of the future of our country.
Oh help us! With the population of the United States approaching 324,000,000, how on God’s earth have we dwindled down to the final two presidential candidates of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? Is this truly the cream of the crop? Impossible I say, for if it is so, we just ought to move to Australia -they can fit all of us thankfully and I hear the weather is outstanding – or allow euthanasia in all 50 states.
We have a politician like Donald J Trump, the most unqualified, despised candidate in presidential history, going against Hillary Clinton, a product of the insider Washington game who the electorate was screaming to change this cycle. What is wrong with us?
Since politicians are discouraging the use of heroin to escape this awful political catastrophe, I guess we are left to try-and-true psychological methods and doctor prescribed medicine.
I have a secret – buy living room sofa futures on the international markets. By November 2016, there will be a run on the 2-3 cushion sofas, good for sitting and laying, because we will all need to see a shrink. How do we process this (for the record, infinitely worse if it is Trump than Clinton)? What do we tell our children when we see Donald Trump on TV? Will the motion picture association need to interfere and put a rating system on every speech? CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR IS HIGHLY DISTURBING, WILL CONTAIN FOUL LANGUAGE AND INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL GESTURES NOT APPROPRIATE FOR PEOPLE UNDER 21 YEARS OF AGE. WE URGE YOU TO PROTECT YOU CHILDREN NOW!
With the surging demand of psychologists and sofas, it stands to reason that psychiatrists will be in short supply dispensing anti-anxiety drugs, mood leveler pills, muscle relaxants and pain medication which will be booming, due to people banging their foreheads into brick walls. I am not a stock market analyst, so caution taking my financial advice unless you are the type that imagines walking into a wild west saloon, downing 3 Jack Daniels, and then hitting the poker tables. However, I would recommend buying a mutual fund of large and mid cap size pharmaceutical companies. In addition, you would want to invest in the illicit drug cartels in Mexico and Columbia. The round about way you can do this legally is to buy those country’s government bonds. No more 3% returns. Oh no…happy days are here again. You are looking at a 5 year bond yielding 123% with virtually no risk. Get in now!
As a result of a possible Trump presidency, Hollywood stocks will do wonderful. NO…not for the quality of the movie, but for the safety of the brick made movie theater bomb shelter, Will it be the Russians, Chinese, North Koreans of Al Nusra that simply listens and cowers when Trump says to them, “You will stop doing this or else. believe me!” We all know that an insecure man such as Donald does not portray strength, just weakness. They will smell his bluff like the empty Brioni suit he is wearing.
Regarding a Trump presidency (BTW, I tried typing the word four times, but my fingers instinctively moved to other keys since the computer its hooked up to have a degree of artificial intelligence and was causing error messages and that annoying “rainbow beach ball” on Apple computers meaning it is stuck). Now that I fixed that bug, it is time to get out those Ole 45’s records as we are go right back to the 1950’s. Oh yes – those bygone days we keep looking back so fondly….IF YOU WERE A WHITE ANGLO-SAXON! How nice it will be to put women back where they belong..in the kitchen with a house dress. Think of the good side – more home cooked meals when dad comes home. And can’t you just wait for bringing back to the office the middle manager “pinching your hot ass” by that horny asshole? You will just need to accept the new norms and readjust your liberal, feminist thinking. Those days are long gone. Sorry babe.
The black population (I might as well say “the Negroes” as that will be the accepted and expected terminology going forward) will just love it. Hey…when was the last time you saw a craps game on the side of someone’s house porch? Think of the excitement while the whites snicker as they pass by offering a bottle of muscatel in a brown bag? Oh, the Mexicans we have not rounded up by the Trump Internal Deportation Force – what of them? Ding dong you low information voter – that is why brooms, rakes and shrub cutters were invented! Duh!
The Muslims are just going to be so much more friendly to the rest of us as they are marginalized into government designated ghettos. In fact, Trump will use the excess wall material he used on the Mexican border so not to be wasted. I told you he was a shrewd and frugal businessman. Those extra fences will be used to virtually imprison the remaining Muslims. Since Trump does not know how to narrow the scope of danger in the Middle East, yet brushing broad stokes on an entire religion, unfortunately swept up in what little will be left of the Muslim population in the US will be Congressman, artists, military personnel, entertainers, writers and nobel peace prize winners. You know – people like Shaquille O’Neil, Muhammad Ali, Janet Jackson, Iman, Malala – The Times 100 most influential people in the world for human rights for women in the Middle East, Dave Chappelle, Cat Stevens, Omar Shariff, Fareed Zakaria and, believe it or not – Dr. Oz. Well sorry all you believers in Islam – no entry here. In fact, if you are here, public pressure will mount from the bully pulpit (how fitting a name for the Donald) to have you live in these segregated ghettos.
Since this list of non-Anglosaxon Protestants can go on and on, lets just button this up with the physically disabled. Now as we know all too much, Donald and his supporters thought this out way in advance (sarcasm extremely intended). What are we going to do with these “retards and midgets” – finally political correctness is gone for good and we can just speak authentically!. Well, ingenuity has always been Trump’s forte, so off they go to the circus or reviving the sport “bowling with midgets.” The kids will just love it! Oh the laughs alone would be worth the entrance fees. Now with the retards, Trump will have no use for them. We have a 19 trillion-dollar deficit and they are “government takers” and need to be dealt with. Perhaps send them off to a deserted Island in the Middle East as slaves as a nice gesture for the Muslim world’s understanding of our “no Muslim in the US” policy,.
So finally, for all you Trump haters who do not love Hillary but feel they have no choice to vote for her, I see them all going to the polls in mass numbers and closing their noses, even the most ardent normal conservative republican, and pull the lever for Hillary Clinton. For them, I have a deal for you. I am proposing for you to go to your local porn shop and ask for the brand new political Donald Trump butt plug. I think to get reluctant Democrats and stunned Republican to vote for Hillary, they may need to close their nose and plug their anal cavity. To make this more safe and protective than it legally needs to be, this particular butt plug will be molded from the face of Donald Trump. His circular lying lips framing the ass like a protective suction cup, and his Pinocchio nose as the insertion device. You will now be able to leave the polls knowing you did you patriotic duty and survived the 2016 Presidential Vote and escaped the ugly stench of politics.
God Bless America and God please help us!