Note: This post is intended purely as fiction. It does not reflect the news or facts, but rather parodies current topics.
As the minion of Republicans entered the great chambers of the House of Representatives, they knew that this would be a big day. Their Grand Rebbi, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, was about to do the sermon on the State of Israel.
All eyes were focused on the big speech that followed the typical pre-prayers which most people are bored of. So, they put down their prayer books and journals and sat down with great enthusiasm.
These new Jews (many Southern Goyim) were eager to understand what being a Jew is all about. They heard some exciting rumors that with every speech a Jew gives, there is normally a Kiddush thereafter. Having not had a bite for over an hour, these newly pronounced Jews were already hungry.
After the big speech, there was a thundering of applause. They just knew that the really big event was coming…..the smorgasbord of Jewish dairy delicacies.
They were all escorted to the catering room adjacent to the Senate merely by the smell of brewed coffee with a hint of salted fish. Letting their noses be in charge with directional control, they entered the promised land…the famed spread!
As these new Goyish Jews walked around the oval table, they immediately became aroused at the quantity and placement of all the food. Never before have they seen such quantity of food occupy a 30″ wide table so densely. In fact, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell was overheard talking to Senator Oren Hatch of Utah about whether this Jewish spread defied the laws of physics and engineering. However, it was not all adulations. They were also concerned if the folding table’s legs could support such massive food weight.
As the Republicans started to lunge for the food, they instinctively knew that no lines were needed. They attacked from every part of the oval table, while crowds of others reached over their shoulders simultaneously to ensure they would get “the best” dishes before (God forbid) it ran out.
Since these were new Goyish Jews, they were not skilled at using the full width of their 14″ plates properly. Some made the unconscionable mistake of first taking a leafy salad which occupied half the real estate! How could you then plan for the Nova Scotia lox, capers and onions with such a mistake? Others went for the plain pound cake first, then realizing the bad decision they made after seeing this “puffy sugared spectacle” called Bobka. The visual dismay on their faces were quite overt. They knew they could not throw away the pound cake since they did not know if it would offend Bibi. So, they sulked at their situation before finding out that even if they were to have grabbed a slice of Bobka, they would have had to make a tormented decision as to which “type” of Bobka to choose….Cinnamon or Chocolate?
The more savvy Congressmen consulted with the few “longtime original Jews” in the government to plot their course.
Senator Rand Paul decided to try the Egg and Mushroom Salad, a bagel with a shmear of cream cheese and this “unusual gold-looking fish.” Indeed, he made a smart call for his first plate installment, but it went down hill from there. The Senator was unaware that there were these tiny bones in this “gold fish.” While talking to Senator Schumer, a seasoned professional on the Kiddush circuit, Senator Paul started to choke. Schumer talked him through it and assured him that he was simply going through “Whitefish Syndrome:” An affliction of eating Whitefish without knowing about the tiny bones. After five hard coughs, the Senator recomposed himself. He then went on to take a fork full of the Egg and Mushroom Salad, only to then speak to the Israeli Ambassador to United States,Ron Dermer, with a little bit of the Egg Salad still on the corner of his lip. Dermer tried not to stare at this “new Jew” fearing that he might flee the flock. He smoothly wiped his own lip, ironically drizzled with the sugar powdered remnants of the Chocolate Bobka he just finished, as a suggestive move for Senator Paul to replicate. Like following the herd, Senator Paul thankfully wiped it off. Disaster averted.
Walking over to the far end of the buffet was Senator Marco Rubio. He has been the prize possession of the current flock of Republican Goyim turned Jews. He was dazzling the Israeli delegation with his love and education of the Holy Land. His Kiddsuh plate looked like a Van Gogh. Perfectly divided into eighths, he had the entire spread on his plate. He had Vegetable Tuna Salad, Israeli Salad, Hummus with Pita, Sable/Whitefish and Novi (in respectable quantities), Cucumber Salad, Pesto Pasta Salad, Fresh Fruit Salad and Rugaluch. Even the Nova Scotia lox draping over the dish looked like a dangling runner towards the center of this glorious plate. It really was a sight for sore eyes and did not go unnoticed by the Israeli delegation.
As the Republicans left with the smell of Pickled Herring still on their breaths, they were fully indoctrinated into being the new Jews. Each one had an aluminum foil take home container of the leftovers….for later.
Let us all say…Amen!
Categories: Fictional humor
Funny stuff, Scott. I always thought Republicans were the “shmaltzier” party.
We Jews must have a thick skin & not just on the whitefish to appreciate this parody. It was well done. I don’t want it too well done. The meat should be crispy on the edges, but still pink on the inside, but not too pink. It should be pink going toward red, but definitely not medium because thennnn I would send it back. Thanks for sharing.
I think you get the theme very well! I could have added your comments to the blog and it would have fit right in. I sense a little Jackie Mason in your reply!
Wow Scott, great and fun to read. You’re an excellent caterer, writer and blogger!
This made me very hungry for some shmatlz! Very funny blog. Well done!
Every party you have made for any of us has been “Planned and Made To Perfection!! The Class, The Beauty and the Heart and Soul that goes into it all, is BEYOND!
Now, as far as the Lox…it has to always be Nova! Then you build with the Bagel, Cream Cheese, (preferably whipped) tomato and just enough onion slices that go around for each bite! Make sure to tuck in the onions, so they don’t keep on poking out of the bagel!!! Then next step, take a Gazuntah Bite!!! YUM!
Hysterical Scott -I never knew you were such a good writer . Keep them coming and keep me in the loop !